my secret boyfriend.

Oh my gosh, guys, my life is so amazing!

I've been to an infinite number of rowdy parties (alcohol, anyone?), been to the beach at least twenty times and had twenty-five thousand sleepovers. Also, I got a boyfriend.

I know, right? His name is Randall. We've had so much fun together! We actually met early on during summer break, and he is the perpetrator who first introduced me to alcohol. Yup, ever since that first night of knocking back tequila shots, I've kept a handy bottle of vodka around everywhere I've gone-- which is everywhere.

Seriously, kids. I went for a spontaneous trip to the Bahamas with Randall for Christmas. Then we went to Antarctica, and Iceland, and Cuba! We've had a lot of... fun, you might say, in our hotel suite. Yes, that means exactly what you think it means.

We broke up at New Year's since he caught me making out with Bob Katter. I was in a state of inebriation, though, so I pleaded not guilty. We had this huge fight and I contemplated suicide. But then he came and serenaded me from my balcony window a few days after with a George Harrison song and a bouquet of a dozen roses. Romance, my darlings, is one of his many talents. And he has talents, I assure you. Especially in the bedroom.

You know how I used to think people who dated young were... um, strange? Yeah, well, buds, I take that back. We only have one life to live! Why are we wasting it being prudes and nuns? Come now, children. Go out drinking! Lose your virginity! Get tattoos! And piercings!

I actually got a tattoo the other day. It's a heart with 'Randall and Aza' in it. I'm telling you, I'm in love. I've never felt this way about a guy in the thirteen years of my life!

I heard from a mutual friend that he's actually planning to propose to me on Sunday. I'm still not sure what I'm going to say. Help me! Should I accept? I mean, I'm a tad bit young for marriage, but... true love prevails, right? And this is true love. True love beyond true love.

I think I will say yes.

Look, since everybody on this blog is either a nun or a prude and I'm the only one who actually has fun in life, I'm going to just say-- I don't CARE if you think I'm an idiot for marrying at the age of thirteen. I don't CARE if I've only known Randall for less than a month. He's my life now, and nothing you can say will change that. If you don't want to go to my wedding-- which I'm planning to set in Milan, by the way-- then fine. See if I care. Your loss.

For the benefit of anyone out there who's being a REAL FRIEND and supporting me, I'm going to talk more about Randall. Well, he's hot of course, and Yugoslavian. And the best thing? He's a vampire!

AND HE BIT ME! SO I'M GOING TO BE A VAMPIRE TOO!

At first, I thought it was a hickey. And then I suddenly had this... thirst for blood. So I went and drained my neighbours of blood, accidentally killing them in the process. I've also left a string of unexplained serial murders around Western Australia, but haha, it's not like anybody is going to suspect a thirteen year old girl from South Dakota. Except now I've just told everybody on the internet. Whoops.

Yeah, so, now whenever I go out in the sun, I sparkle. Hehe. It's awesome.

Ooh, Randall's just called! He wants to go for a late night meal at the local pub! I'm sure you know what that means... vodka, vodka, and more vodka. And blood, 'cause we're vampires. And tequila because it tastes good. But mostly vodka.

Toodles, darlings!

HAHA, MY LIFE IS MORE FUN THAN YOURS! I BET NOBODY ELSE OUT THERE HAS A VAMPIRE BOYFRIEND WHO'S GOING TO PROPOSE TO THEM!

And anybody who flames me or disses me, well, guess what? You're just jealous.